What's Next?

I lie awake tonight,
Wishing of things I can change.
I try to convince myself,
But it's all so strange.

Is it me,
Or is it you?
Do I try,
Or are we through?

So long we've shared
Just to walk away.
But so much hurt
To want to stay.

Why do we do this,
Try to hurt the other more,
Only to watch one
Walk right out the door?

I love you so much,
Yet I push you to the point of breaking,
But why do you play with my heart
And never stop taking?

Is this the end
Or a new beginning?
Only one can guide me
When my head is spinning.

Don't push,
Don't try,
Don't stress,
Don't cry.

That is what plays
Over in my head
As I try to close my eyes
And just go to bed.

Yes I was hurt

Yes I was hurt;

Just by having a mere thought of losing you, I was hurt.

Seeing my love through your eyes, I was hurt.

Feeling my self respect being ignored by my generous love, I was hurt

Preconceptualizing your hatred as your way of love, I was hurt.

By Your Oscillating To's and Fro's around my love, I was hurt

Listening to the cry of my heart every second, I was hurt.

Always being the extra optimistic one, I was hurt.

Losing all the dreams we saw together at once, I was hurt

And sadly you only know that I was hurt,

I wish you could never feel how much.

 

I could

I could dream of you forever,

But it wouldn't put me beside you.

I could call your name on end,

But you'll never hear me.

I could ask a million questions,

But I'll never get the answer I want.

I could write a hundred poems,

But you would still never understand.

I could have said it before it was time to leave,

But I said it in a little note.

I could try to forget what I feel,

But I've pushed too much out already.

I could lie to myself,

But lying exhausts the soul.

I could give up on you,

But too much of me still loves you.

What I Miss

I miss how we used to be,
So vibrant, so honest, so wild and free.

I miss the way you would understand,
Listen carefully and be there when I needed a hand.

I miss our long, random talks at night,
Our private conversations,
Our silly little fights.

I miss the way you could read my mind,
Know what to say,
When words were hard to find.

I miss the way you could brighten my day,
Make me forget the mistakes,
Make the pain go away.

I miss how you made me laugh,
Hate how you made me cry,

Loved how you said you would always be there,
But once again, I forgot that everything you say is a lie.

Someday I'll be okay

This ink, it runs.
This paper is stained
Tears run free as
I'm stuck in a daze.
I put this pen to paper,
To write the words
This voice can't deliver.
My heart is heavy
With pain and despair.
Can't breathe.
I'm fighting for air.
My mind is spinning
At the speed of light.
This pain in my life
Has clouded my mind.
The thoughts are deafening
Of my life you took away,
But after all my
Heartache,
Someday I'll be okay!

Do You Know

Do you know a life of loneliness and one filled with pain,
living a life with nothing to gain,
Surrounded by darkness, overwhelmed with shame.
A life without peace with no one to blame.

Do you know of a place unseen,
A place that holds only shattered dreams,
A place filled with sorrow with no end in sight,
I am given this gift each and every night.

Do you know of a place so cold,
This is the place I call my soul,
A place without hope or comforting dreams, 
A life not worth living wouldn't it seem.

Do you know of a life that should have never been,
And the feeling that today this life has to end.
One more day of sadness is much too hard to bear,
I am tired of living a life of heartache and despair.

Do you know a person with so much pain inside,
Or the feeling of loneliness when no one hears your cries,
Maybe when the tears are gone and I can clearly see,
The only question left will be...

DO YOU KNOW ME

I Don't Sleep Because Of You

I don't go to sleep at night
because you haunt my dreams,
and waking up to find you're not here
is harder than it seems.
See, I'd rather stay awake at night
because one thing I know is true,
that without my dreams of us,
I'll never be with you.
So I don't close my eyes at night,
and I don't go to sleep,
because if I do,
I'd have to admit defeat.
So why don't you try living
where you can't face your dreams,
where every minute gets harder?
well, that's the way it feels,
and it's not that I can't sleep,
because that I can do,
but if I close my eyes at night
then I am with you,
and you may think that's what I want.
And to point you would be true,
but the reason I don't sleep at night
is all down to you.
I'd happily dream about you all day long
Because in my dreams you care.
It's the waking up without you
That I cannot bear.

Nobody Knows

Nobody knows it's empty,
The smile that I wear.
The real one is left behind in the past
Because I left you there...

Nobody knows I am crying.
They won't even see my tears.
When they think I am laughing,
I wish you were here...

Nobody knows it's painful.
They think that I am strong.
They say it won't kill me,
But I wonder if they are wrong...

Nobody knows I miss you.
They think I am all set free,
But I feel like I am bound with chains,
Trapped in the mystery...

Nobody knows I need you.
They think I can do it on my own,
But they don't know I am crying
When I am all alone...

Gone Forever

I miss the times when you were here,

Telling me to have no fear.
To hold my head up high and strong,
Add happy notes to my sad song.

I miss the way you look at me
As if I were too blind to see.
The path I'm on might hurt and scathe,
But all goes well if you just have faith.

I miss the sound of your sweet voice,
Through bitter times a saving noise
That told me what was right and wrong
But rang in my ears for far too long.

A caring person, you were such
Who helped and hurt me, oh so much.
You'd guide and mislead me through the day
You left me lonely when I'd rather you stay.

Over things like that you had no control.
A rock set in motion will continue to roll.
No matter how hard you tug and heave,
You were always pushed and forced to leave.

Then one day you never returned,
My tears so hot they almost burned.
Aware now about what I lack,
But crying and mourning won't bring you back.

For me to let out what I need to say.
I can't do much more than pray.
No longer am I weak; my heart's quite strong
From adding a happy chorus to a sad, sad song.

I cry

I'm sitting on the porch,
Wind blowing through my hair.
The ducks are frolicking in the pond,
But I just can't seem to care.

Life goes on around me.
I don't participate.
I go through all the motions,
But what I really do is wait.

I dream about the day
That you'll come home to me.
Nothing else is important.
Why can't people see?

I don't want to go out.
I don't want to have fun.
I don't want to do a thing
Until all is said and done.

They took you in the summer.
Now fall is almost finished.
Winter will be here very soon,
And then the year will have diminished.

You have no idea how much I cry.
I never let you know.
It's so hard out here without you,
But I'm not allowed to let it show.

I must pretend all is fine.
Everyone thinks all's okay,
But what I never ever tell them
Is that I cry for you every day.

I tried so hard

I tried so hard.
I tried my best.
I gave you my all,
And now there's nothing left.

You stole my heart
Then tore it in two.
Now I'm falling apart
And don't know what to do.

Divided by decisions,
Burned by the fire,
Confused by your words,
Tempted by desire.

I'm living in the present.
My mind is on the past.
Not knowing what I'll lose,
Not knowing what will last.

Blinded by fear,
Drowning in doubt,
Struggling to be free,
Looking for a way out.

Sometimes I feel

 Sometimes I feel as if it was bad to fall in love at first sight,

But other moments it feels like it was just so right.

Sometimes I feel as if you don't care,

But other moments it feels like you'll always be there.

Sometimes I feel as if we just weren't meant to be,

But other moments it feels like you're the only one for me.

Sometimes I feel as if you don't notice me,

But other moments it feels like it's only me you see.

Sometimes I feel as if you wish we weren't together,

But other moments it feels like we will be forever.

Sometimes I feel as if I should just give up,

But other moments it feels like you are my good luck.